The NestPitch Pay-It-Foward PItch Clinic Is Open!

Hello Everyone!

Those of you following @nestpitch and/or this blog already know that today Nik Vukoja and I are posting a small selection of 35-word pitches for critique as part of our Post-It-Forward concept, to help perfect a winning 35-word pitch.

Sadly, we ended up with not a single NA or MG pitch, but we have several YA, a few Adult, and one PB.  While every story is different, a winning pitch, though hard to define, is easy to spot.  We hope that by providing direct feedback to the pitches below, everyone involved will gain some insight into what makes a “perfect pitch”.

Sometimes, seeing or reading something makes magic happen for the reader also, a light-bulb moment.  If anyone gets such a moment, please feel free to share.

Nothing is more contagious than enthusiasm – the more you spread, the more you have.

So how will this work? 

Read the pitches either here or on the Nestpitch blog: 

Choose as many pitches as you want to read and comment on. All comments will be monitored and approved to make sure the feedback is constructive and helpful, not destructive or hurtful.

We’ve provided examples below. Please make sure to post the Pitch Number at the beginning of your comment.

Read the pitches, and write the comments as per examples below.  Please post a new comment for each Pitch Number, it’ll make it easier for the author to locate the feedback.  If in doubt, you’ll find my comments are below also.

R- (Number) I liked the premise but I thought…

R- (Number) it’s a great idea but can you put the MC’s name in there somewhere?

R-1 Genre: YA Mystery

When Lucie’s father gives her an antique family jewellery box, and she discovers a mysterious letter addressed to her concealed within, she soon realises she is the only one who can uncover her ancestor’s secrets.

R-2 Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

When a legion of undead revenants attacks, troubled necromancer Desdemona must descend into London’s shadowed cemeteries to prevent the rise of the Exorcist and keep the balance between Life and Death from shattering.

R-3 Genre: Adult Contemporary Romance

Buried tensions erupt when Juliet reconnects with her first love after twenty-five years. Alternating between past and present, this adult romance tells the bittersweet stories of their star-crossed teen courtship and their newly unfolding liaison.

R-4 Genre: Adult Urban Fantasy

Sparky Voltaire fights PTSD and, just when he’s winning, knee-high monsters attack.  He carjacks a beautiful blonde and his world explodes with witches, were-rats, televangelists and wannabe vamps.

R-5 Genre: Adult Suspense Thriller

The Information Retrieval Unit (IRU) has generated a way to retrieve the memories of crime witnesses, which seems like a great idea, until one man’s memories will force the creator of the IRU into hiding.

R-6 Genre YA High Fantasy

Kidnapped as a baby, 15-year-old Raine struggles to fit in with her family. When she learns she has dark magic, banishment and murder attempts begin. Now she must discover the attacker’s identity before someone’s killed.

Now it’s up to you! We’ll have these posts open for comments from March 22nd March 29th. Help our brave pitchers out by leaving a helpful comment or two!

Don’t forget #nestpitch submission window will be open 1st April and #LV14 on April 4th

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About Rhiann Wynn-Nolet

Fiction Writer. Co-Founder #CriTiki Lounge pitch feedback forum and Like A Virgin Writing Contest.
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51 Responses to The NestPitch Pay-It-Foward PItch Clinic Is Open!

  1. R1 – I love family secrets and antiques so I’d definitely want to know more. The main problem I see here is vagueness about the ancestors’ secrets and how they impact Lucie and her family today. You could free up some words by revising as “When Lucie discovers a letter in an antique jewelry box, it reveals a family mystery only she can solve.” Then you’d have some words left to provide us with the stakes. Also it’s normally spelled “jewelry”, at least here in the US.

    • nikolavukoja says:

      I read Rhiann’s comments & I swear I wrote mine last night, even before she posted. I think you’ll see a pattern:
      I like the premise but I think you can sharpen this. One comment you’ll often see: “too vague” – pitches aren’t mini-me query letters, you have less words to tell more! I’d shorten the first line & take out MYSYERIOUS as you don’t have the word-count to explain why it’s mysterious & change the end to something like “…she realises she must uncover her ancestor’s secret or (…what’s at stake)”

    • Amber says:

      R-1 I like the premise but it sounds a bit vague. It leaves me wondering what’s mysterious about the letter. Also, what’s the stakes, what happens if she doesn’t uncover her ancestor’s secrets?

    • R-1: I like the idea of a mysterious letter but I think what’s missing here is WHO sent it. It reads like it could be from her father, which isn’t so mysterious. I suspect instead it was an ancestor who lived long before she was ever born–which is far more interesting. If that’s the case, I would definitely say so. I also agree with the others that this is missing stakes. Why does she need to uncover her ancestor’s secrets? What happens if she doesn’t? What will she lose?

  2. R-2 As a big fan of old cemeteries, the setting certainly appeals to me! I think this query is a bit contradictory in that if revenants (who are by definition “undead”, right?) are already attacking, isn’t the balance already shattered? Does Desdemona need to restore it? Also if you’re going to use “troubled” I need a little more explanation of how that quality of hers ups the stakes, or increases the conflict (for her, or in general). You could free up some words as follows “When revenants attack, troubled necromancer Desdemona descends into London’s cemeteries to prevent the Exorcist from completely destroying the balance between Life and Death.” Or something to that effect.

    • nikolavukoja says:

      This works for me from the viewpoint of I know the MC, I know the setting and what’s at stake & I like the genre. What I’m missing is more voice, I’d suggest taking out either UNDEAD or REVENANTS as they mean the same thing & also SHADOWED, & see if those extra three words let you tell us why Desdemona is “troubled”

    • Amber says:

      R-2 I like the tone, but I’m left wondering why he’s troubled and what the exorcist is. Overall sounds like a great story!

    • The voice is coming through here and I like the setting, but I keep tripping on the exorcist part. What’s confusing me is that an exorcist, by definition, is someone who can cast out demons, so why must Desdemona prevent the rise of one? It seems like an Exorcist would be an ally, not an enemy.

  3. R-3 So we’re talking about a Romeo and Juliet retelling? I like this premise! My issues with it are the word “liaison” which sounds a bit too political or utilitarian. I realize you’ve already used “romance” for genre and “courtship”. My only other suggestion is it lacks a little personality and a sense of the stakes. What kind of person is Juliet? What will she gain or lose by reconnecting with grown-up Romeo, besides the obvious possibility of “love”. What are the buried tensions about? Even one adjective would help describe Juliet. Maybe you could free some space by amending to “Tensions erupt when Juliet reconnects with her first love. This adult romance follows their unfolding love affair, while revealing the bittersweet tale of their star-crossed courtship.” I hope they live happily ever after 🙂

    • nikolavukoja says:

      I too read this as a Romeo & Juliet re-telling.
      What struck me is the age-group you are going for.
      If there’s been 25yrs in between, that would make them in their 40’s. if that is what you’re going for, OK, but if you want them to be a little younger, say late 30’s, I’d reduce the gap to 20-yrs.
      I also got stuck on LIAISON, it doesn’t work for me either.

      • M.A. Nicholson says:

        If I take “star-crossed” out, will it remove the “re-telling” aspect? It’s not meant as a R&J retelling so much as a teen romance that runs up against the many obstacles and troubles of being young. This is coupled with an adult romance that has its own obstacles, none of which involve feuding families.

        As for the age – I am intending her to be in her early 40s. I don’t see many romances with an older female protagonist. Slightly older women are usually relegated to the improbable but satisfying secondary romance of the office buddy or mean boss with whichever older man happens to also be lying around. I know from experience that women in their 40s are still capable of falling in love, and might also want to find a MFC they can identify with.

        I really like the changed wording offered and will work on that. I struggle to explain that it’s 2 stories told side by side. The angsty messy teen courtship that goes from sweet innocent unrequited crush to an emotional and sexual situation that’s beyond Juliet’s maturity ultimately falls apart. The adult romance that starts with nostalgia and regret for times gone by moves into a serious potential relationship, but with an adult’s experience. I tell these through alternating chapters so they are both unfolding in a similar arc, but different.

        The question that comes up a lot are “what are the stakes” if they don’t fall in love. I have a hard time answering that. They’ll be sad and alone? Nobody’s life is at risk, nobody has a disease, nobody has a supernatural power. It’s just the simple character-driven story of a romance between the same two people at different stages of their life. There are other conflicts throughout, but they aren’t central to the narrative, so they can’t fit in the 35 words.Is it impossible to pitch a quiet story?

        Thank you both so much for offering this clinic. I am constantly learning more about what it is that works and what doesn’t. I’m wordy – as you can see – so pitching in 35 words has been a challenge.

      • Hi M.A., If it’s not a retelling, then definitely omit “star-crossed”. I love the idea of a 40something MC who is not “too old” for romance and I think there could/should be a market for a story about her. It seems to me that maybe the stakes are more like-Can maturity smooth true love’s path, or is history doomed to repeat itself? Maybe with that in mind, you can rewrite. You can also take out the reference to genre because the age of the MC and the mention of “love” will convey “adult romance”. That will give you the opportunity for new/different words. Believe me, it’s ALWAYS hard to reduce one’s own multi-thousand word novel to 35 words or less. I think it’s much easier to do it to someone else’s story…

      • M.A. Nicholson says:

        So here you’re saying that “stakes” can be something as simple as whether her maturity can bring a different outcome to their relationship?

        I keep thinking I need to introduce a meteor shower, ha.

      • Yes, not all books require a zombie apocalypse, an epic battle between good and evil, or a meteor shower. But all good books require conflict/tension/uncertainty. If a reader knows exactly how things will turn out, there’s little incentive to turn pages. I believe as a whole, the romance genre requires a happy ending, but readers enjoy the excitement of obstacles, detours, and near misses so they can “almost” believe there might not be a happy ending. So essentially you will treat the potential for failure as the stakes/central conflict.

  4. R-4 Well, there’s no lack of excitement here apparently! I’m just a bit confused by a few things and the pitch has the effect of making your story seem like a series of random events. The name “Sparky” and “knee-high monsters” both sound MG or PB to me, so I had to double-check that this was in fact “Adult”. I’m not sure why he has PTSD, why he carjacks someone, or why his world is suddenly exploding with evil creatures. So in reworking I’d try to include the inciting event, then the consequences/stakes, with a bit of insight into what makes your MC tick. If he has PTSD, then maybe he ticks like a time-bomb. In terms of the evil creatures, free up some word space by including only the most interesting/innovative – for me this would be televangelists and were-rats.

    • nikolavukoja says:

      This is well written but I’m getting a much younger Voice in this than Adult. I’d suggest using all or near all your words on this one. You have another 7 words use them to give the reader a sense of adult voice.

  5. R-5 I like the IRU premise here, it’s clever! My main issues are that I don’t know who the protagonist is. Who is this story about, and what makes the reader care about him/her? I’m guessing it’s about the man with the incriminating memories? Just naming him, rather than saying “one man”, would let us know that this story is about him. Being forced into hiding doesn’t necessarily seem like a big deal, unless the IRU-creator REALLY doesn’t want to go and is willing to kill the MC to avoid doing so – or something… So, in retooling your pitch, I’d suggest giving us MORE about stakes and the MC.

    • nikolavukoja says:

      I agree, I love the premise and there’s something here, but i need to connect (and even identify) the main character. Many people seem to leave out the MC’s name, I think this is instant disconnect, we don’t need their full title, just one name so that it fixes them in our minds.

    • Amber says:

      R-5 I like this query, but I’m left wondering who the book follows. does it follow the orginazation? who’s the main character and what is there goal?

  6. R-6 Your story promises excitement, which is good! The biggest issue for me is vagueness. I don’t know who kidnapped Raine or why. I don’t know who’s trying to banish whom or murder whom, or why. I’m not sure you need the “struggles to fit in with her family” if it’s not directly related to these questions (all teens feel this way pretty much). I need to know who the antagonists are, and what powers they have. Do they also have dark magic? Or do they have white magic? Dark magic is usually associated with villains, so is Raine an anti-hero(ine)? You could skip the part about banishment and murder attempts to give yourself more room to talk about the attacker.

    • nikolavukoja says:

      Good premise. A few suggestions, if you take out Kidnapped as a baby… (It’s vital in the MS I’m sure but perhaps not in the pitch), you’ll have extra words.
      Change 15 to fifteen-year-old.
      I also got confused with “banishment and murder attempts begin” however, with the extra four words you should be able to re-work it.
      I hate to say THAT word, but it is a little vague, though, if you do two things, remember this is not a mini-query, and details count; use the extra words to clarify and draw me in

  7. General Comment – Thank you so much all of you for volunteering your pitches! You’re very brave, but that’s part of being a writer – sharing your work. The critiquing never ends, because once you get published the WHOLE WORLD is going to give you feedback whether you want it or not. So, best to start developing that tough hide now 🙂
    A common issue seems to be vagueness. And here’s why it’s a bigger problem than you might think – agents/editors worry that a vague pitch means a vague story. They’re concerned that reading your book will be like driving a meandering road in the fog, with no map and no road signs. Worry less about creating enticing mystery to hook the pitch-reader and focus more on clarity. Give the pitch-reader everything unique about your story that you can-this is what will make an agent/editor request. After all, one foggy lane looks pretty much like any other.
    Good luck to all of you!

  8. smnystoriak says:

    Reblogged this on S. M. Nystoriak's Writer's Block and commented:
    Pitches are open for comments!

  9. M.A. Nicholson says:

    R-1 – The premise is intriguing, but I think it would hook me more if I had an idea what the secrets might be. Did someone get murdered? Is their fortune based on criminal activity? Are they all vampires? Is she the product of an unholy union?

    I would reword the first phrase to gain words. There’s nothing in the pitch that seems to hinge on her father giving her the box, so maybe “When Lucie inherits/receives an antique family jewelry box. For similar reasons, drop the “and” and make the last phrase a new sentence.

    Example: When Lucie inherits an antique family jewellery box, she discovers a mysterious letter addressed to her concealed within. She soon realises she is the only one who can uncover her ancestor’s (murderous) secrets.

    You’d gain 3 words you could use to give some clue as to what those secrets might be.

  10. M.A. Nicholson says:

    R-2 – This sounds like a nail-biter.

    I’m wondering why Life and Death are capitalized. Are they actual characters in the story? With the capitalization, it gives me the impression they might be entities that can be addressed, like Death in Piers Anthony’s Death on a Pale Horse. I agree with Rhiann that the word “troubled” doesn’t add anything to the pitch unless you can explain how. In what way is she troubled? Could that adjective be changed to something more specific, like “dyslexic necromancer” or “clumsy necromancer” (I know she’s neither). Or leave the adjective out altogether and use the word to beef up another area.

  11. M.A. Nicholson says:

    R-4 – This made me laugh. I think the two most important elements that you won’t want to lose are the knee-high monsters and the televangelists, which totally tip the reader off to the fact this is going to be a funny read. I’m not sure how the PTSD impacts the story. Like Rhiann, I’m interested in knowing more about the reasons why he’s attacked and being chased. 35 words is impossible I know.

    This is how I might approach it, but I don’t know the things in parens:
    Just when Sparky Voltaire is overcoming his PTSD, (something happens) and he’s pitted against knee-high monsters, were-rats, televangelists and wannabe vamps. Together with beautiful(name of blond), he (what are the stakes?)

  12. M.A. Nicholson says:

    R-5 – Memory retrieval is a great concept. In fact, I don’t know if you need the “which seems like a great idea” because it totally seems like a great idea.

    Maybe, “The Information Retrieval Unit (IRU) has generated a way to retrieve the memories of crime witnesses. The technology proves dangerous when (name)’s memories threaten to expose the crimes of the IRU’s creator.”

  13. M.A. Nicholson says:

    R-6 – I love the idea of a revealed magic identity. The key words for me in your pitch are “kidnapped” and “dark magic”. Everything else seems a bit generic and I’d like to know more about what about her magic is bringing on the attacks. And like Rhiann, I’d like to have an idea of whether she’s an anti-hero or a villain.

    “Kidnapped as a baby, 15-year-old Raine discovers she possesses dark magic.”
    Then I would add something to explain the ramifications of the dark magic ie. “Unable to control her dark impulses, her actions lead to her banishment.”

    I am also curious to know if the attackers will be even darker forces, or in the case where Raine’s a villain, are they the forces of “good”.

  14. Lyra Selene says:

    R-1–Intriguing premise, but like Rhiann said, I’d love to know more about WHY Lucie is the only one who can uncover her family’s secrets and why that’s important to her. The jewelry box and the letter don’t seem important beyond the inciting incident, so don’t be afraid to skirt over them in favor of giving us an idea of motivation and stakes. Good luck!

  15. Lyra Selene says:

    R-4–Wow! Lots going on, which is great. But I have so many questions, which is not so great. Does Sparky literally fight PTSD (as in, is he a psychiatrist by day?) or metaphorically, in his own head? What do the knee-high monsters have to do with that? Why does he carjack the blond? And how is she connected to the monster? Some semblance of a chain of action would help so much with this query. Remember, MC + Inciting Incident + Stakes are the main things you need, even in a 35 word query! Good luck!

  16. R-1 — I love the mysterious letter in an antique jewelry box. That’s the hook for me. I, personally, do not need to know where the jewelry box comes from. All I need to know it’s come newly into her possession and that there is a compelling reason she needs to find out what her family secrets are. What’s at stake?
    Also, the first thing that struck me as I read this were the British spellings of jewelry & realize. At first, with a completely American bias, I thought these were misspellings. Hope to see this in print. Lucie’s story already sounds interesting.

  17. R-2 — London’s shadowed cemeteries was what hooked me and the name Desdemona seems perfect for an urban fantasy. For me it sets a mood from the beginning. Troubled is a fairly vague word and for me it adds nothing. Is there a better adjective? Or can you fit another word in elsewhere? For me it’s enough to know that Desdemona is a necromancer. The amount of capitals in the sentence make it look a little awkward to me. Do life and death need to be capitalized? Do you need both undead and revenants? For me undead is all I need to understand the premise. Definitely something I would read.

  18. R-5 — Great concept. I’m intrigued, but want to know who the one man is or the POV the story is being told from. I gravitate towards character first, then premise and the stakes for the character. I can tell there is a lot of tension in the story and that it definitely fits within the suspense genre.

  19. R-6 — I like how you start out with the character, her name and her age. Knowing her age, I already know that she will be struggling to fit in with her family. Does she know she was kidnapped? She learns dark magic. Do you have anything more specific than dark? Forbidden? You use the verbs: struggle, learn, begin, discover. I see so much promise with this piece, I would like to see stronger verbs, more specific verbs. Sounds a great story. I want to read it. Let a little of the voice overflow into the query. And, yes, that is very hard in 35 words.

  20. R-6 – I like the concept, especially the fact that the query has me asking questions – I want to know more!

    I’d love to see a little more about the world that this YA High Fantasy is set in – Does Raine live in a community of white/pure magic? Is she, and those around her, shocked to find out her magic is dark? Or is her discovery of magic completely unexpected?

    I’d also love to know if Raine struggles to fit in with the kidnappers, or with her birth family? And why do the banishment and murder attempts begin when she learns she has dark magic? Does she find out accidentally, thus revealing her powers to the attacker? And where would she be banished to? Does she have any allies or must she work alone? Who is the attacker threatening? And if she knows the attacker’s identify, will that stop someone being killed?

  21. R-5 – I really like this pitch – it has me hooked just how it is, but I am very curious as to if the creator of the IRU is forced into hiding for his own protection, or his previous criminal activity? Is the creator hiding due to facing retribution for creating technology that can help solve crime? Is the witness or the creator the protagonist? I honestly love the concept, but the last question really outstanding to me is what is going to have me emotionally invested in this story?

  22. smnystoriak says:

    R-1: I love when stories feature hidden treasures with clues! It’s right up my alley! My only concern is that there is no mention of what is at stake for her. Also a hint about what one of the secrets is would be a great addition. I love the concept!

  23. smnystoriak says:

    R-3: I like how you have described the book, but I would like to see more specifics about exactly what will happen. Is there something in their past which they revisit during their rekindled romance? If so, I would highlight that.

  24. Lisa Kraft says:

    This is all wonderful feedback. I have learned so much from everyone’s posts. I would love to see how everyone has re-worked their pitches with the feedback they’ve been given. This has been an invaluable experience for me. My take 2 goes as follows:

    First day on his first real job after the war, Sparky Voltaire carjacks his way out of an attack of knee-high monsters. He then battles televangelists, were-rats and will-o-wisps. And those are the good guys.

    I hope this makes it sound more adult and more coherent. It really is more coherent, but this is my first time trying to distill 81,000 words down to 35. Alas, I cannot change Sparky’s name. A little while after he first introduced himself to me (my characters tend to do that and then tell me their stories), he told me why he changed his name to Sparky, but that is not my secret to tell. I hope with the help of all the lovely people who have volunteered their time to NestPitch, people will eventually get to know him well enough that he will also tell them.

  25. Hi Lisa, I like the sense of voice in your pitch and clearly your book will have plenty of humor. I think my problem continues to be that while there’s a lot going on, the actual conflict and the stakes are still vague. The pitch raises a lot of questions, but doesn’t answer them. I don’t know what the war was about, who won, and which side Sparky was on. I don’t know what his job is, or who the bad guys are. And why is there still fighting after the war is over? Is there a different conflict? Why is Sparky battling the good guys? Is he a bad guy? Believe me when I say I know just how frustrating it is to make changes and still have your critics (in this case, me, a friendly critic) say “nope, that’s not it.” I’d name fewer monsters, find one or two words to describe what Sparky’s job is, and make it clear who/what is battling whom, and what Sparky’s role is in the conflict. Sometimes writing an entire paragraph and then just wittling it down helps. Or do a fill in the blank Unless Sparky Voltaire can do such and such, the so and so will such and such. Something along the lines of “Sparky Voltaire hopes monster-exterminator training will cure his PTSD. But unless he can rid his quadrant of were-rats, wannabe vamps, and telvangelists, he can kiss his paycheck, his sanity, and his ass good-bye.” I know this isn’t your story, just trying to give you a sense of setting up the confict/stakes while still keeping things like the PTSD, humor, and monsters that make your voice strong and your story unique.

    • Lisa Kraft says:

      Rhiann,
      Thank you so much for your patience in guiding me through this. I might pound my head all the way through the brick wall, but I am determined to get this writing the idea of a whole book in 35 words or less down to a science. I will have others waiting in the wings and I need to find a way to do this. Even though it isn’t this story I love your version. It holds a lot of promise for a book 2 or 3. So on a completely different track of thought — Take 3:
      Upon discovering an impending influx of hell-bent, war-mongering supernatural monsters, Sparky Voltaire must join with doubtful allies to save a carjacked blonde (his fault), his city, his problematic sanity and his girlfriend’s little black cat.

      • smnystoriak says:

        In my opinion, this is your best one! The voice remains, which is so difficult for many, and I get a sense of direction in the story. Best of luck!

      • Aha! MUCH better! You’re really close now 🙂 I think you could eliminate impending and hell-bent and give “doubtful allies” a more specific identity(ies). The “supernatural monsters” and “doubtful allies” are both vague, so try to clarify at least one faction. I really like what you’ve done with the end, esp. the “little black cat”. I’d suggest changing “problematic” to something like “questionable” or “eroding” because his sanity is not problematic – it’s the possibility of his insanity that spells trouble. Nice work!

  26. Lyra Selene says:

    Ditto to Lisa! Fantastic feedback from everyone, what a great exercise for me!

    My take two is as follows:

    “Haunted by the dark legacy of her wraith blood, necromancer Desdemona descends into London’s shadowed cemeteries to prevent the rise of an undead creature who seeks to shatter the precarious balance between life and death.”

    Any feedback would be much appreciated!

    • Lyra, I think this is MUCH better! IF I were to criticize anything, it’s the vagueness of “haunted by the dark legacy of her wraith blood”. I don’t know what this means. What sort of dark legacy? How does it haunt her? How does this impact her ability to fight the undead creature – does it help, does it add another obstacle? To free up some space to be more clear on that, you could do something like this with the second part, “necromancer Desdemona braves London’s shadowed cemeteries to prevent a revenant from shattering the balance between life and death”. It’s always like walking a sword’s edge between evocative language and giving as much plot/character detail as possible to lure the agent/reader. Since 35 word pitches rarely provide much opportunity to wow with writing style, I’d err on the side of giving details that set your story apart from others.

    • Lisa Kraft says:

      Lyra,
      Not sure about the “haunted by the dark” opening, but once you got to wraith blood I was sold. I so want to read this.

      • Lyra Selene says:

        Thanks so much, Lisa! Yep, it’s hard to get all the intriguing details in there without making it confusing or going over the word limit! Hopefully I can find a way to make it work….

  27. Pingback: Awesomeness | Rainbow Hill Meanders

  28. Lisa Kraft says:

    Thank you all for your comments. And thank you Rhiann. You’re an angel. I have learned so much from this. Best of luck everyone

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